Anybody else struggling with a difficult marital situation? I need some advice. Having a chronic illness and an unsupportive spouse is like a jagged sword being twisted through my heart.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DizzyBrunette,

Hi Dizzy-

I know it is not an easy situation to be in. I also know that it is not uncommon. Many men just get frustrated with the whole thing. They are goal oriented....which means they think they need to fix whatever it is. If they can't fix it, then they just get frustrated and don't know what to do.

This may not help, but if you can understand a bit of what is happening, it may not trouble you so.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I sincerely appreciate it. Sometimes it is so very hard to see clearly with a chronic illness. With your encouragement, I put on my "spectacles" and tried to look at what I can do differently in the relationship. The illness this year has just drained me. After 2 1/2 days stuck in bed miserably ill, I got enough energy up to go switch some laundry. The day b4, my hubby had asked me what kind of laundry detergent to get at the store because he knows I usually like the hypo allergenic kind. I was so sick/so frustrated at everything, I nastily replied, "oh....I don't give a s... what kind".

Well, when I got up to switch the laundry and get some soap, on the outside of the new bottle, he had written in marker, "I Don't Give A S... brand laundry detergent" and a smiley face.

I broke into a laugh that melted 2 1/2 days of stress...truly.....he was out doing errands, so I called him on his cell and thanked him for the humor and said, "you know, that little bit of humor helped me so much, that next time I get sick and crabby, please tell me a little joke or something".

Again, my heartfelt thanks for sharing thoughts/wisdom/ideas....it DOES make a difference

Dizzy,

I just love your story, sometimes we need that kind of humor and a good laugh. When we feel bad we say and do things due to anger, pain and frustration. I'm sure we could all use that brand of laundry soap sometimes.

I hope you have worked things out in your marriage and divorce is not in your future.

I wish you all the best. Let us know how things are going, we really do care.

Dizzy,

I'm with you on this one and I'm a guy. My wife justs gets sick of it after awhile and I end up feeling responsible for infecting our marriage with something I have no control over. It sucks. I wish I had a magic elixir to offer you but since divorce court is in my imminent future, all I can give is my heartfelt sympathy and empathy.

Take Care,
Mark
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Hi,

My situation is a little different. my husbandsustained a traumatic brain injury 8 years ago. Our life continued on despite the pressures that problem brings. His personality changed, he ahs angry scary outbursts, can't drive or remember things he really needs to remember. Then 2 years ago my life changed after a car accident. Initially we just thought I had seriously hurt my back, but loearned over several onths of being unabloe to function that I had POTS. I often can't tand or function much.
He gets angry when he thinks I am over doin it and would rather I spent my life in bed so I don't pass out. However, he refuses to parent our 3 kids, clean the house or even do the dishes after dinner. We actually seperated on New Years Eve. Since then, I've been doing it all. The house isn't any cleaner, but the dinner get cooked,(with breaks lying on hte kitchen floor), their uniforms get ready for the next day, the dishes get done, they get to their practices and I am asleep when they are. However, the home is much quieter, the kids are better behaved and say they feel better. I know they love thier dad, but the tension that was created wasn't worth things staying the way they were. As for him an I, I don't know how I feel, I am not in love with him but I do care about him. When his personailty changed and the memory loss, he does not even remember things I say to him when we try to talk then he gets angry that we don't talk. I feel like thismisa situation where noone wins.

Anyone else stuck in this kind of boat?

I understand where you are coming from about problems, and even anger. I was diagnosed 11 years ago, so I dealt with it and came to terms a long time ago. My husband and I have been married for just over six years. I was used to all of my issues, but he was not. It took a few years of being married before he finally saw everything. During the first two or three years of being married he only saw that I didn't always pay the bills on time, I sometimes laid around and didn't do anything, and other times I barely sat down because I couldn't stop cleaning (I also have obsessive compulsive disorder...not good) until i wore myself down and would nearly pass out. I constantly would forget to put his work clothes in the dryer, so he went to work many times in only half dried clothes. Then I was pregnant with my daughter, and the plot thickened. I thought that me staying so weak from morning sickness and him having to actually carry me through the house like a baby for three weeks was so humiliating because the only time i used the bathroom, bathed, or ate was when I was carried. After delivery, my back gave me so much trouble and would constantly lock up, spasm, and plenty of fun things. He had to help with the baby and with the house. After some time went by of me being a stay at home mom he began to see that fewer bills were late, clothes were actually dry and put away more, and some other little things that always infuriated him. It took time but he really saw first hand that I wasn't avoiding anything, I didn't try to ignore what he wanted, but I have a condition that causes so many problems for some of us.

Now things are much different. He knows my warning signs for when I'm not acting right and needing rest and hydration. We came to terms that sometimes I just can't cook and we have to buy dinner (that reality hit him after my nearly passing out in the office chair trying to roll around the kitchen to cook, very strange sight). Even my little girl knows that some days mommy has to rest a lot, but we do lots of puzzles laying down and coloring. I know saying to talk about it is said all the time, but sometimes giving them your perspective can help. I try to gripe and laugh about my symptoms that are the biggest problems right along with my husband. Sometimes making the humor yourself even when you want to cry makes it easier for everyone. Lately the tremors that used to only be after passing out are popping up constantly. Last time I tried so hard to stop shaking and couldn't, so I asked him if he wanted a massage, and if he would still love me and my "Parkinson's self"...

Dizzy, will he go to counseling?

One of the things I had to do when I first became sick (not dys) was counseling. I was 37 and hated being "disabled." I had to go through what I later learned was grief counseling. I had to let myself grieve for the loss I suffered and learn to cope with the changes. It was not easy. I think I still have little pangs of loss now and then. But, for the most part, I discovered I was still a beautiful person who had so much to offer.

If your husband will go, I urge you to try. He may need someone from the outside to help him cope. And it would do you good, too. It would be a impartial, nonjudgemental environment where both of you could let out how things have changed and how it makes each of you feel.

In my current situation (second marriage) ALL of us (husband, two children and myself) are in some sort of counseling or other, because the whole family deals with some sort of chronic illness or disorder (see my profile). We are definitely not the Cleavers next door! Even now, each of us is learning to cope with interaction within our family and our own personal emotional needs.

Part and parcel of chronic illness is mild depression. The doctor calls in dysthymia. Illness makes biochemical changes in our brains with any disorder, but dys brings its own brand of brain fog, mild depression and emotional instability. I see it in my son. So much change and yet, he feels like he should still be the same (we have only been at this for 11 months). Even I don't always get it. He looks so good on the outside. I cannot imagine how he feels, but I try to know that he feels bad more than he feels good.

Sorry for being so long, but I hope that you and your hubby can find a way to deal with the health changes and still find love with each other.

Let me know what you think.

Judi

I can understand what your going through I have a husband that doesn't understand what I go through everyday. He looks at me like I'm crazy or making this up.He doesn't help me what so ever. He doesn't understand when I can't go somewhere because how I feel.So I feel for you!
Laura