Hi friends.. read this if you want. I'm sorry I usually have uplifting things to say but I'm having a really hard time right now.

I know I posted my success story, but I'm afraid this doesn't have a successful ending--yet. I mentioned that I was in the hospital for my back. Well, the meds they gave me for my back brought back ALL of my POTS issues worse than they had been since Jan. (Beware of muscle relaxants)

I really just spiralled from there... At my last appointment (before my back incident) my cardiologist said he was optimistic and it seemed that my POTS was going away. (seriously, he said that). Now my vitals are all over the place--back to how it was a few months ago. I'm afraid I got my hopes up. I can't handle this cycle.

I accidentally stubbed my toe a few nights ago and I couldn't stop crying. Things hurt so much longer and so much worse than they should... I'm so tired of being the way that I am. On days like today I can't stop measuring myself to what I used to be before I got sick. Now I'm so angry I broke the ruler.

I'm sorry. I'm having a rough time right now. My docs are scrambling, but are at a loss as to what to do aout it. Unfortunately, they don't tell the Army they are at a loss so no progress or new referrals are made. The dog is the only thing helping me now.

GoArmy

cheer up goarmy,
you are in a cycle and that's all it is. of course, much easier said than done, i know. just look back at the good days you were having and knpow you will be there soon again.
we should alll be allowed to have a really bad day even when we are "normal" (it's funny how we all use that term so loosely now), much less when we are not.
i am glad you have the dog. they can be such a help to anyone feeling as you are today. i do hope that you regain your fight, and feeel better.
pm if you want and let it all out. i will read every word of it. and it just might make you feel better.

Hi GoArmy,

Talk about it all as much as you want to.

You sound so despairing and upset.

I know it might not seem like much consolation to you but Sandra is right. Try to keep in mind how you felt when you were feeling better and know that if you've felt that way before you will be that way again.

I'm talking to myself as much as you because I'm having my own meltdown at the moment.

IT SUCKS!!! i know, i go 1-2 days feeling great, then BAM reality hits, and im down for 7-10 days. its a vicious cycle, but its those good days that keep me going. you should feel blessed that you had months of good days. one of my favorite sayings is. . . .And this too, shall someday pass. keep your head high and your spirits up, for being angry will only make the situation worse.

Thanks everyone. I'm still trying. What choice do I have? Today.. for whatever reason--even though I was feeling awful, I decided to over do it--majorly. Yes, I decided to. I did it to myself and I will pay for it for a long time. Now it's time to sleep... for about a week. I just needed to feel like I was in control--of course, I'm still not lol A lot of good overdoing it did me. I'm so stubborn lol!

RAWR!!!!
GoArmy

Hugs, Army, I feel your pain and know how incredibly upsetting this is for you. It sounds like the Army medics are worse than our civilian docs with the egos.

I think I have come to the place where when I am feeling better I know it is probably just a temp. blessing. I use to get so devastated when they ended! They say with Lyme disease it is 2 steps fwd and one back. Maybe it is with the dys., too? We can only hope.

Your overdoing it sounds like what I do when I get frustrated and angry, but I am only punishing myself.

I am in a scary place now, too. I have even pulled away from my family, so I can "heal". I don't know how much you can pull away from the Army, but if you can do things to help yourself "heal". Remember the "Circle of Protection"?

That's having things on hand that comfort you during such times, like maybe putting on a favorite sweatshirt or pj's, having a fav. blankie (hehe, I couldn't resist putting blankie instead of blanket), some chocolates, a fav. video or book, candle/aromatherapy, cross-stitch, etc. You get the idea.
I have just been telling myself I need to work on mine.

I have taken xanax a few days now, which is a rarity for me. Fort., I just ordered (and got a call that it's in) something natural and soothing, it's called Relax-O-Zyme. It may not help physically, but it has a nice calming effect w/o feeling tired or anything.

I hope you recover soon.

hugs

how are you today? i'm worried about you.

my new saying- it's a bittersweet symphony that's life.
that song really speaks volumes to me.

take care.

Hi GoArmy -

Feeling like we have no control over our bodies is one of the toughest things to deal with. I too do what you did - push too far just to prove to myself that I can - but then realize I can't. Very frustrating......
As hard as it is, try to keep telling yourself that this bad flare up will pass.....it happened once for you, it can happen again.

Sandra - I love your new saying.....

Hello everyone,

I appreciate your responses and concern. I hope you are all feeling ok today. I am, of course, paying big time for yesterday. I woke up with a serious migraine this morning.. well I guess i didn't wake up lol I threw the clock and went back to sleep, but hubby got up. I thought hubby came back to bed. When I finally rolled over my dog, Kenji was there! LOL Many of you know he is training to be my service dog and we are working on him alerting to serious episodes and staying with me during them. Well, the funny thing is--he is NOT allowed on the bed. I thought it was pretty cool that he hopped up there anyway to be with me during my migraine. Dogs are pretty amazing. I didn't know whether or not to punish him at first lol. Anyway, that was a little sunshine in my painful day.

Army has finally referred me to chiro, I will give that a try. Even tho my old Neuro is a moron, I made an appointment to see him. There seems to be some confusion that i need a more advanced Neuro. I'm hoping this appointment will solidify WHY I need someone else. They've also decided to try a new med next week, can't remember what it's called... We'll give it a shot.

I hope you all have something that went right as well. Thank you for your support.
GoArmy and Kenji ((curled up at my feet))

Hi Go army,

We seem to be living parrallel lives, in a way. Yesterday, after days spent lying glued to the coach I got up and baked some biscuits (cookies), cleaned out under the spare bed and dragged all the old stuff I don't need down a flight of stairs and pushed it into the garage (i'll get someone to throw it in the bins -- I couldn't quite make it to the bins). Then I wobbled to the couch and lay there quite a while. Then I did 20 minutes of pilates (on the floor, all mat work)and woke up today feeling like hell but have gotten a bit better as the day has progresed.

The depression is still with me as are all my symptoms but at least I gained some feeling of autonomy when I pushed myself. It reminds me that there are times when I can choose to push myself even though I'd probably be advised not to. (There are times when I can't do anything and have no choice and know it). But sometimes I know that I can push myself but will pay for it later. It's the credit plan I guess. Do now, pay later.

I swore I'd never go on anti-depressants again but my pscyh is considering cymbalta for me and I'm considering trying it. If it will help to make me feel better about myself then I will be very grateful because I seem to have run out of reserves when it comes to being happy about much of anything lately. Just generally pissed off with myself, with life, and all that jazz.

Wanted to follow up with everyone on my situation. My last post said I was referred to a chiropracter. As soon as he touched my back I almost passed out, then I passed out. I guess no chiro or massage for me. The chiro hadn't even tried to manipulate anything etc. he was just softly touching my skin.

ANYWAY, my back med (muscle relaxant) exacerbated all my POTS issues and my pain is still way out of control. I made emergency appointments with all my docs and I am so glad ot have docs like them--especially my cardio.

The Army has decided to start my medical review board process. So now it's time to get my life back on track. Honestly, i still feel pretty sick, but I am really grateful for the medical care I have gotten through the Army and the staff.

Nice to know I am almost out of limbo even if I will deal with this illness forever.

GoArmy and Kenji ((licking my toes))
PS Kenji's training is going very well! If you think a dog will help you, I highly recommend trying it! It's about the only thing that has been workign for me!