Have any of you had trouble with your spouse, because of lack (or should I say "NO") sexual desire. My husband and I have been separated for almost three years plus I've been caregiver for my parents (Dad passed away a year ago) and Mom has alzheimers and heart disease. I've been trying to work also to support myself. I love my Mom, she's always been great and I want her life to be as good as possible to the end. I don't mind taking care of her, but I'm just plain EXHAUSTED. All I do is go to work and go back to Mom's, and once in a while go home to sleep a night or two and do a load of laundry. I always feel tired, depressed, numb and sometimes feel like I have a thinking problem. I have the hyperadrenergenic form of POTS and take Inderal every 6 hours. I thank God that He's given me the strength to do what I've done, but I'm feeling very, very tired.

I know that I feel guilty at times being chronically ill. My husband is good to me and I'm very lucky to have him, as well as two good friends, as a support system. You have a lot on your plate. I'm sorry things are hard for you with your husband.

michelle

Hi Ella,

In the past I learned to 'take it easy and take it slow' when it comes to sex. Altough you might not feel like it to begin with -- exhausted, sick, headachy etc -- very often when you just start out slowly desire appears and grows. Sex can be very healing.

Just don't put any pressure on yourself. Lots of gentle touching etc can lead to something more or sometimes it can be enough.

You sound very stretched with all the things you have to do, but you do have to make it a priority to do some things that are good for you. And I found out, I was never going to feel like sex until I started to have it more regularly again. And sex is good for me. It makes me feel good as long as it's easy and slow and loving.

At the moment, my husband and I are going through tough times so I besides feeling too exhausted for sex, I've lost the desire to initiate it because I'm pretty angry with him. Gotta 'love the one you're with.' -- is how I see it. I was having a great time in that department though about 5 months back.

I have this problem. I am only 27yrs old and married for 7 yrs but feel I could go the rest of my life without sex. I have no desire for it. Not to say I dont still do it, I basically force myself. My husband knows its not him its me. So I do it to please him and keep our love life to its fullest. And I agree once you start out slow you tend to get more into it. But if I dont bring myself to do it, I wont have the desire to at all. Its sad but at the same time Its part of an illness that we just cant help.

Ella -
Even if you didn't have POTS, you would probably struggle in this area with all you have on your plate. Women are always the caregivers.....and of course we care for all but ourselves. I think we have all struggled in this area. It's hard not to feel guilty about it but you can only do what you can do. And, if you don't get your rest, your POTS symptoms will just get worse. Is there anyone at all who can help with the load you are carrying? Even once a week so you and your husband could spend some quiet time together? It's very easy to disconnect when we are so stretched and busy. I always find that one on one time together helps that. But, it has to be a regular thing - not just once. Can anyone help at all? Will her insurance pay for a home health aid to relieve you once in awhile?

THANKS soooooooo very much for everyone's input. We've been married 40 years and sex has always been an issue. There has been some violence in the past and lots of verbal abuse. He's basically a good person, just seems I'm never enough. Now to top it off I have a cystocele and rectocele which is pretty bad, but have put off surgery because of all my allergies to medications and the whole gammit of problems anesthesia brings to me. We do talk some now, but have not had sexual relations since we separated 3 years ago. I would probably try, but I'm pretty sure he's been with others and I sure don't need any kind of other problems at this time. Don't think I could have sex because of the gyno problems causing extreme pain. Would like to salvage the relationship if possible, but he says I've ruined his life because of the sex, so I don't want to be the cause of his unhappiness now or in the future. He's always been very healthy, and as he says I've had my share of problems and more.

So far as my Mother goes, I do have Hospice coming in 2 hrs. 5 days a week and another girl approx. 3 hrs. 5 days a week while I work. My Brother and sister-in-law live in the house with Mom and help take of her, but I am the primary care giver and mostly there unless I'm at work.

Thanks for everyone's concern and prayers

Ella, I had to say this but if he says your ruined his life due to the sex issue, he is not worth your strenth or love anymore. It is that time to just move on to someone who will except you for you and what you have to live with. He seems to have more issues that health, he is an ungrateful ass and does not desirve you what so ever. You can do better and you will do better than that.
Stay strong and dont let anyone bring you down. I am praying for you mom to get better.

I have to agree with Misty - if lack of sex has ruined his life...then....what kind of life did he have. There is so much more to life and relationships than sex. I was also in an abusive relationship in the past and although I have 3 kids from him, we had minimal sex because I couldn't stand him touching me. This is definitely a different topic than the illnesses that impact our drive and desire - and I hope you are getting counseling because you deserve so much more than someone who treats you poorly.

For me and my bf, it is very very limited. (edited to clarify that this is my current bf and not the abusive ex husband) In fact he got very scared because the first time we tried after I got sick, I got worse the next day. So he doesn't push it. But I do find it frustrating that I just don't care - about much anymore. I've gotten lazy and conserve my energy for work and 'recovery' (pt and water exercise). I guess I'm afraid to use my energy for frivolous activities (sex, shopping, life) because I may run out of energy.

My thoughts are with you...

quote:

Originally posted by Ella:
Would like to salvage the relationship if possible, but he says I've ruined his life because of the sex, so I don't want to be the cause of his unhappiness now or in the future.

Hi Ella,

My husband said the same thing to me for a long, long time. When I was being medicated well for my migraine I got my sex drive back full force. I was game for it every day as long as we took it slow.

But guess what I found out. He was still a miserable son of a you know what and he found other stuff to blame me with. He wants to blame everything miserable in his life on me.

why he finds the need to blame me for anything I just don't know. And to tell the truth, with much relief, I'm coming to a place where I'm more and more at ease with letting it be his problem. It is his problem not mine. I just hope I remember that.

As to physical and verbal abuse. We may think we forget. But we never do. A physically/verbally abusive man/woman is not a turn on. This is not your problem. It is his.

Ella - You mentioning that your husband has been abusive puts a whole other light on the matter. I have to agree with Misty, wantmeback and Blue. The problem lies with him, not you. I have dealt with the pain of gyno problems since I was 13 years old. It really affects intimacy but a husband who puts your needs first will work with you and be compassionate and understanding, not degrading and abusive. He's using your health issues as a scapegoat and in my opinion, that is unacceptable. You deserve better and you certainly don't need someone fighting you with all you are trying to handle.

I'm glad you have some help with your mom - that is a very draining responsibility (physically and emotionally).

Will be praying for you through all this....

Ella, not one thing you have said describes someone who is "basically a good person."

I think it is time to quite buying his song and dance and accept that YOU are a good person, not him.

Oh Ella... I'm having a fuzzy-brain day, but wish I could think thru to say something wise and wonderful. You have gotten lots of good advice that I agree with. No man, who holds sex as the standard of a good marriage is worth his weight in salt - or worth the energy he saps from you worrying about what he thinks!

I do agree that a healthy sex-life is part of an over-all healthy relationship...but, the health of a relationship is NOT determined by the frequency of the sex - the other way around, if anything. AND "health" being the operative word! If one partner is not healthy, it puts a whole new level of understanding in the relationship. If the understanding isn't there - no way can the ill partner feel loved enough to even consider celebrating the relationship with a "sacrifice" of sexual intimacy. I really feel that sex should not be considered as a separate issue from relationship. Not something extracurricular to do just to do it or get it done (pardon the pun) out of habit or expectation but, should be the natural consumation of a progressive expression of love. You know...starting with him taking out the garbage, feeding the kids, rubbing your sore muscles...

I know I am spoiled rotten in this area. But, I'll tell you what, the dividends pay-off for my hubby (at least more regularly than they would otherwise.) No, I don't often "feel" in the mood. But, I do often "feel" appreciative of all that he does and how understanding and loving he is. Thinking this way, often allows me to start considering how to show him my appreciation... and even though I don't feel like a vixen, even though I hate to initiate and even when I do initiate I usually do so subtly to let him know that I won't be doing gymnastics, but I am available... His kindness and understanding come back to him. I am also super-blessed that I don't work and all my kids are teens now, so while I am tired all the time...its not the same relentless exhaustion that comes with being a working woman and a care-taker with dys. But, I did work and my kids were small so, I know what that's like too. Sometimes, just telling hubby something like "I'm not feeling good, and I'm totally exhausted, but I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you..." lets him know- and if he's up to taking the time, taking the lead, that takes the pressure off of me and lets things progress naturally.

I have POTS which can and often does cause tachycardia in the middle of everything, breathlessness (not the good kind) and feeling like I'm gonna pass-out or have a heart attack, I have a rectocele and the meds I'm on affect my ability to climax (at least I blame the meds...is this a dys symptom?), but my husband is sooo good to me, that he really deserves this little pay back. And it is good for our relationship to be close. One aside here, its okay to absolutely not be in the mood, but to offer him a "quickie." (I hope I'm not being to grafic.) Again, this allows you to express appreciation, but takes the pressure off. And, at least you've offered. However, I would NEVER offer this to a husband/lover who a quickie was "enough" for. Its an occassional way to satisfy his natural needs, but its really not a two way communication or commnunion as-it-were. Its a snack to satisfy temporarily until a gourmet encounter can be prepared. I recently offered this to my hubby as I'd been too tired the night before, but couldn't sleep. He gets up at 3:30 to go to work and I was still up and a little more energetic, he accepted (of course ) and later when we chatted after work. He thanked me and said "it was nice," but said that he missed all the kissing and "stuff." Now, that's the kind of guy who deserves a little appreciation now and then!

However, if my hubby weren't they kind, understanding, care-taker that he is...I would have no desire for sex and no basis for showing him my appreciation. Again, sex isn't a extra-curricular sport- its the apex of climbing a mountain together...even if that means he's carrying me up the mountain on his back - we're going to enjoy the moment at the top together!

Preacher T.D. Jakes once said that "kissing is what happens naturally when all the words of kindness and love are no longer enough." I think that about sums it up!



Hmmm...I worked thru the brain-fog after all. This is a very important topic to me!

Sheri

Ella-
Plain and simple: You deserve better.

And if you find you're attracted to such a man then perhaps you're like me...... you got your own personal issues to work out! I'd suggest seeing a therapist and working on self confidence and the reasons behind being attracted to your husband in the first place.

I think it's good you've separated yourself from him but you still have some healing to do. ......and not just from dysautonomia, but you need to heal your spirit as well.

I'm struggling too, and it's scary. I've been married for all of 3 weeks now, and I can't help but feel guilty every time I have to say "I just can't tonight..." I know my husband understands, and he says he doesn't mind, but I know eventually it will wear on us. I try to take advantage of the times when I do have the energy and feel well enough, but I wish that was more than every few days. I think part of the reason my sex drive is low is because of the birth control pill that I'm on, but also feeling nauseous and out of breath and achy doesn't exactly make me feel playful or sexy. I worry that he won't always be as understanding as he is now...which I don't think is in his nature, but still he is bound to get frustrated eventually...
I wish there was an easy fix.

Sex, Sex.

I seem to be in a bit of a different situation. I am mostly house bound with few responsibilities now because I have been so sick for so long. Just caring for myself can be a challenge sometimes.

My husband is the busy caretaker and works full-time as a 5th grade teacher then comes home to a house full of teens and early 20s. He tries so hard to keep things all together. He is exhausted so often and I know some is because he has to take care of me. He is learning how to better care for himself in the midst of his hectic life. He does not like to be touched very much because his body is so sensitive. I am the opposite and love to be touched.

I am usually the initiator but often go without his touch. I want sex to get his touch. Sex is very different for us now that my body can't handle too much excitement but it is still fun for both of us when I am physically able and he is willing.

I am the one who is interested and he is the one who is too tired. Obviously sex has changed for us and i am less actively involved than I used to.

How's that for a twist on things.

Smiles