I'm having an odd problem I hadn't anticipated.

Now that I'm getting better, I am now dealing with things in my life that made me depressed or have anxiety prior to being very ill.

Being ill for such a long time made my focus on fighting the illness and finding treatments. Now that I feel like I'm fullfilling both of those goals--- I've become increasingly aware of other problems that I had put on the back burner so to speak. Not even intentionally really. Just due to being caught up in the illness.

By this I mean-- I had an odd childhood filled with love, affection, and material objects--- but I was an only child that had to deal with my mother who for a while was physically ill with CMV and nearly died from it when I was a kid, and also having the family pretty much leave me alone to deal with a mother who wasn't always mentally stable. The mental instability arose into some very emotionally abusive situations. And My dad (who is really my grandfather who adopted me when my biological father left/ so he's my mom's "dad" techniqually) never really did anything other than say let's all pretend such and such never happened.

I had let go of the anger from all this about a year or so ago. finally! And I get along with my mother for the most part better than most mothers and daughters get along. You could say we're very close. And I know she has always loved me so much, but the pain of some of the mental episodes she put me through growing up are apparently still eating away at me as an adult. Instead of anger I'm finding just a great deal of lonely sadness I'm not sure how to express.

I didn't realize all this though until I began to get physically better and wasn't constantly fighting the fight of dysautonomia. Almost since I left home to move into my own apartment, I've been dealing with the progressive problems of dysautonomia until now. I never really dealt with all that pain I had prior to the illness.

Hi, I can relate to your situation somewhat. I had a rocky childhood, and although I speak to my mom and dad, for my kids, I keep them at arms length. I found out that's the best way to deal with them. I spent a million years trying to please them, in the hopes they'd treat me like they treat my sisters, but I realized that once I stopped wishing for that, I was able to live my own life, on my terms. Same with my illness, I didn't tell them about it at first, I only told them recently because I have a picc line and it's the middle of summer. There's a lot of bad feelings, we had a blow out fight a couple years ago and lots of nasty things were said to me, so that's when I chose to control my life. I still get down about it, it still bothers me to a degree, but I realized I have a lot to offer my kids, my friends, the world really, and I won't be bogged down with negative thinking. I break the chain of negative thoughts by thinking positive, or even going through my favorite song (Let it Be) in my mind. It helps. I've been in therapy on and off for 10 years, now I'm off, but I would still recommend therapy. It helps a great deal. Good luck.

michelle

nitekitty - i am so sorry that you have to deal with these stresses, especially since you should be doing nothing but enjoying the benefits of pushing so hard to fight for your recovery.
i, too, have similar issues with my mother and previous mental illnesses in the family. in fact, i have been ignoring it for years, and promised to never discuss it or acknowledge it... ever.
but, i think that dealing with the dysautonomia made me realize that i had harbored all these feelings and that continuing to ignore them was not helping me overcome this disorder. i had a bit of a "freak out" with my mother, but managed to confront her about issues that i have had for years, and thought i would never have the stregnth to discuss. not gonna lie - it was UGLY for awhile, but now, we have come out so much stronger than ever. we have a lot of work yet to do, but the point is, that i think simply acknowledging that you have these feelings is so much better than not. putting them on the back burner so that you can focus on dealing with a chronic illness doesn't exactly seem like a more favorable option. so, i think that you are in such a wonderful position to not only be gaining strength in fighting your dysautonomia, but also to be gaining strength in preparing to handle these issues.
if you can live with this sh*t (excuse my language), then you are strong. you will find a way that is best for you to acknowledge these issues and overcome them.

Hi nitekitty -

I can relate to what you're saying. I had to just let go of many things that I was dealing with when I became ill because like you the stress of thinking of them just made things worse and I really didn't have the emotional fortitude to confront them.

It's very hard to fall back into our old roles. I'm thrilled that you are doing so much better and feel you are on the upswing. That's great news. I think that when our illness becomes so much a part of our lives and to a point part of our identity (no matter how much we fight it, it does happen to an extent I believe), we have to go through a redefining period and figure out where we go from here. For me, I haven't hit that point where I feel I'm improving to my satisfaction but I think if (when ) I do, I will choose to still let go of those things that hurt me before. There's something to be said for true forgiveness. It's really not for the person being forgiven but for you. It allows you to let things go and frees you from that load. It doesn't mean that you weren't (aren't) hurt or that you don't deserve to be angry or upset. But, now that you are getting better, you need to really focus on happy things, happy moments. Of course, it's natural that you would starting thinking of the past and the things that were bothering you before your illness. But, remember that doing so may re-trigger your symptoms. I have had to learn to really let go - not just temporarily but REALLY - it's gone and I'm moving on. I am not at all trying to minimize what you are going through and I know it's not easy. But, for me, if I don't truly let it go, then it might get in the way of my getting better and that is just not acceptable. I do it for me and my hubby and kids so I am a better person (selfishly) not for the other person who has wronged me (although in some cases that would apply as well I guess).
Like Gracie said, if you can deal with all you've dealt with, you are strong. Just keep moving forward - you've come so far